In The News *AMERICAN EDITION*

Here is what is in the news all across America:

- In New Jersey, a cat survives a house fire by hiding under the couch. And people tell us to get our asses off the couch, when in fact the couch will save your ass. So, STFU people!

- In Oregon, a man castrated his ex-girlfriend's cat out of anger with a box cutter. Castrate: To remove the testicles of (a male). Stupid cat, it should have been under the couch.

- A woman in Georgia was arrested after she called the police because the crack she bought was fake. I guess getting a refund is SO last century.

- In Iowa, a trucker was struck by a speeding sports utility vehicle because the driver was chasing after his hat which was blowing in the wind. This gives a new meaning to "MOVE! FUCK OFF! My hat is blowing away!"

- A man in Washington is accused of having sex with a goat. Why do I have a feeling this will be a big hit on YouTube?