In The News

Here is what is in the news for today:

- A cat in Chicago is able to sense death at a nursing home, and has never been wrong. Apparently the cat has figured out that everyone in the nursing home will die.

- In Florida, an inmate is being charged after a guard caught him masturbating in his cell. An agent spokesman said "that privacy is one of the rights inmate give up in jail." He forgot to mention that you will also give up the average sized asshole.

- A Navy man in Virginia drove 1,300 miles to Texas to teach a guy a lesson because he called him a "nerd" online. When the Navy man arrived where the guy resided, he then set his trailer on fire. When the Navy man was asked about his actions, he reported by saying he wanted to burn some trailer trash.

- McDonald's is being sued in China by a lawyer because it is using English on its receipts and not Chinese, violating his rights to be informed. When asked about it, he said that he wanted to know if they serve real beef or real rats.

- Also in China, police have seized about 18,000 fake Viagra pills and other fake materials. This could only mean one thing, 18,000 soft penises. "YOU MAKE IT RISE NOW! OR I BOOTY BANG WITH YOUR COUSIN!"